Theresa A. Thomas

  • We can fly

    My 21-year-old daughter, a college student studying abroad called from her destination, and shared her first view and impression of Europe.

    “I was sipping my coffee and eating a croissant as the plane approached London,” she whispered to me over the phone quickly, “we were not allowed to land right away so we were circling the city. The sun was just coming up over Big Ben and London Bridge in a slight fog. I felt like I was in Peter Pan!”

    Peter Pan. Wasn’t I just reading “Peter Pan” to this precious girl? Wasn’t she, just a moment ago, snuggled up by my side in her Pooh Bear pajamas and looking at the Walt Disney Golden Book as I shared about Wendy and Michael and John Darling? My darling. My sweet, sweet girl. Think of a wonderful thought … any merry little thought … off you go … you can fly. And — sniff — she did.

    Caroline didn’t leave home to go to school like many children do at age 5 to investigate kindergarten. She stayed at home eight years past five as we explored homeschooling and she burst into a studious little pupil. She taught herself to read when she was three and threw herself into every book she could find. She was my kitchen buddy, my reading buddy, my planting-flowers-along-the-front-walkway buddy. She was interested in anything and everything and was my happy little shadow. It seemed like Caroline’s childhood would go on forever. And now — just like that — she was all grown up and on the other side of the world.

    When Caroline boarded the plane last weekend she had been fighting a virus. She sounded sniffly, and I was nervous with her traveling so far for the very first time since she was feeling so under the weather. But she insisted on keeping her plane date, seeing as doing otherwise would have necessitated that she travel alone instead of with her college group.

    And so, I prayed and waited for that “S” sign for Skype at the bottom of my computer tab to signal to me that a message was waiting, and that she had made it to London, and then Ireland safely. As I waited, and checked … and rechecked, I poured my own coffee and piddled about the kitchen.

    My thoughts turned to her high school years, which, I reminded myself, were not unlike the present, when I waited for her to phone or text to let me know she had safely made it across town. And now she was across the world.

    Finally, the “S” sign with the red “1,” signifying one message, danced on my computer screen. Caroline had arrived. Not just in London, but in Ireland, which was her final destination for study. I could breathe again.

    It hit me then, this whole “life is a journey” thing.

    Figuratively and sometimes, quite literally, life is definitely a journey and a bittersweet one, as we say goodbye, say hello and say goodbye, over and over. Sometimes we plan these journeys — like Caroline did. And sometimes — let’s face it — they simply come upon us.

    In 2005 I found myself on a journey I did not want. I was diagnosed with cancer, Hodgkins lymphoma to be exact. It was just two weeks after the birth of my ninth baby when I discovered the hard lump on my collarbone — and days after my youngest brother was killed in a car accident.

    At the moment my surgeon brother-in-law handed me a bag of bagels, hugged me and said, “I’m sorry it’s cancer,” not only did I fully and totally understand Jonah not wanting to go to Ninevah, but I would have run away myself if I’d have had a place to go. The belly of a whale didn’t even sound so bad.

    And yet, through the journey of cancer, one I might even characterize as traveling “through the valley of death,” I learned so much. I learned how to trust. I was forced to strip myself of pride. I found a faith deeper than the theoretical one I had before and thought was real. I learned how to receive instead of give, which is harder than one might think. And, I basically, through suffering, found God.

    Trips tend to do that — show us things we never have seen before then wonder where they were all along. They open our eyes.

    Caroline is learning a new culture, new people, new food and new ideas. I learned a new culture, new people, even new food, and yes, new ideas from my unwanted journey as well.

    These journeys of life, good or bad, planned or not, are always opportunities for this, and for finding truth, beauty, goodness and God.

    We all have to let go — it is the nature of life. Can we reach heaven unless we die? Can a plant grow unless there is demise of a seed? Can we really move forward if we refuse to move our feet and stay firmly where we are?

    How frequently have we, in our lives, lamented the ending of one thing, only to see that it is the beautiful beginning of another?

    Today, I just want to encourage you to look at the changes occurring in your own life, good or bad, chosen or unchosen, and to watch very carefully for God’s hand in those things. Be open. Trust. Have faith.

    Please, please, don’t be afraid to move forward. Life may not be a Disney story where we can travel to Never Never Land and stay young forever. But with God’s help, we can learn to embrace every single journey. We can fly. Now be off!

    Posted on February 1, 2012, to:

  • Opening gifts

    Christina’s hand rested on her belly. Just an hour before, it had been full with baby Ethan.

    Now Ethan lay sleeping peacefully on the hospital bed beside her, swaddled in a light cotton receiving blanket. His shallow breaths caused an up-and-down movement of his perfect little chest, and his ruddy face seemed peaceful and full of promise.

    Christina bent down to Ethan’s face. She closed her eyes, cheek to cheek with her son, and lost herself in thoughts of her new boy’s future. She dreamed of what every mother does — the best for her child, today, tomorrow and for the rest of his life. While she knew this child was a gift, she also thought of what gifts this child might possess himself — gifts that could be used for goodness and humanity, and ultimately, for the glory of God.

    Someone once likened discovering a child’s unique gifts and talents to opening presents. This is a good analogy I think. The packaging of a present sometimes gives a clue as to what is inside — but not always.

    Gifts are surprises. Sometimes they come in pieces that must be put together. Always they come with excitement and hope. Sometimes once they are unwrapped they are disappointing when one is expecting something else. Gifts are tokens of love and given freely. They demonstrate an appreciation and selflessness of the giver.

    Likewise, a child’s particular gifts and talents are not always readily discerned. Sure, a language whiz may be reading at age 3 and a parent has a clue that communication might be a skill of hers. However, often an aptitude is not discovered immediately, but only after years of exposure to different activities in an unrushed, positive and supportive environment.

    A little artist might be doing amazing sketches in the preschool years, but just as often it is not until much older that his talent becomes apparent, especially if he has been busy learning many other things.

    Talents and aptitudes of our children can be surprises. If we and our spouses aren’t musically inclined we may be tickled, but amazed, to see when our offspring has an aptitude for melody and rhythm. If the family is full of hot-tempered, impetuous people and then junior exhibits signs of deep pondering, calm and a naturally caring and nurturing demeanor, it can be very pleasant but shocking at the same time.

    Sometimes the gifts of our children are like puzzles that must be put together. Only after years of exposure to a number of things do we see how the gift fits together.

    For example, only in retrospect we may note the ingenuity of a child who spontaneously assembles a home-made burglar alarm by himself and later tells his parents it’s time for them to find him an audition for the theater, and link that with an aptitude for being a self-starter and creative thinker. It may only be after the “quilt has been sewn” that we see the pattern that has been quite evident all along on the other side.

    Once in awhile, we are handed a gift and when we open it dare to think, “No thank you.” We know that the giver means well, but we just are not sure what we can do with such a gift. Likewise, sometimes we notice a propensity in our child that we do not like or do not understand. In these cases we need to be patient and seek to discover the value of the gift. God is the giver, and He does not make mistakes. It might take a long time to discover the value of a particular gift given to our child, but if we are faithful and continue trying, we will find that value.

    During the time of struggling to accept a particular “gift,” it is helpful to remember that one’s weaknesses are often the inverses of one’s strengths. For example, a child with a sharp tongue often has a gift of language. Is he a budding writer perhaps? Properly channeled this gift can have positive profound influence.

    Is the gift we do not want a handicap of some sort? Below-average intelligence or athletic aptitude? A learning disability? A disease? How can the Giver be so cruel as to bestow this on our little one? We ask.

    But look again more closely. What often comes with these particular “gifts?” A challenge — an invitation to love is also in the package. And a soft and kind and gentle heart often accompanies a child whose gift is this.

    And so, the first task of every parent is to quite literally open the gifts. Take the time — moments, weeks, months, years — to unwrap them with an open heart. Simply discover what it is that God has entrusted you with, and pray for His guidance to show you how you can help your child make the talents multiply and the gift to blossom into something that is pleasing to Him. God has entrusted you with these gifts, with this child, or these children. He will help you make the most of them. Notice what they are, ask for help, and be guided.

    “There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit; there are different forms of service but the same Lord; there are different workings but the same God who produces all of them in everyone.” — 1 Cor 12:4-6.

    Posted on January 4, 2012, to:

  • Advent etiquette

    During the beginning of Advent, I always hope to come up with something more meaningful, amazing and inspiring than the previous year. This is silly. While we’ve done, as a family, some wonderful Advent readings, made some pretty nice Advent calendars, and spent fruitful time lighting Advent candles and trying to integrate spiritual reading with family traditions, I never seem to remember, until after I’ve fretted about the current year’s preparations, that Advent is not about outdoing oneself year after year. It’s about making a simple preparation for Jesus and His birth at Christmas.

    The best Advent “kickoff,” if I may borrow a phrase from the Thanksgiving football hubbub, is a trip to Confession with the family, followed by frequent reception of the sacraments, and a renewed determination to make room in one’s heart for the Christ and the graces He wants to pour forth each Advent season. It really is that simple.

    I was searching last week for an old document I had written and came across something very special that I had almost forgotten about. I am sure it was no coincidence that God allowed me to find it just when I did. It was a memo written by a dear priest to his students, and is a gem of wisdom for all of us. I would like to simply share a few choice points as we start “setting our souls” right for Advent. Not following some of these recommendations do not necessarily mean we are committing sin, but adhering to them makes us better people, for sure. It was written for young people, and should be shared with them, but I’m thinking that we can all use the reminders. I know I can. Thank you, Father S., for your advice and wisdom, given so many years ago, which still lights our paths and leads our way in practical and yet timeless ways.

    Here they are:

    • We should wear clothes to church that will not draw attention to us.

    • We should keep a proper mental attitude at Mass. We should remember we are going to worship God and by offering the same sacrifice that Jesus offered Him. Everything we have comes from Him; He is our whole future.

    • Inside church — charitable silence.

    • On arriving at the place we plan to worship, we should genuflect and go to the middle. We should not sit on the end and make everyone else stumble over us to get in. If we are with a friend or relative, we stop at the place. The woman genuflects first and enters, and the man genuflects and follows the woman.

    • Once inside, we touch our right hand fingers to the holy water and make the sign of the cross. While doing so, we quietly pray, “May this holy water cleanse my mind from all vain, evil or distracting thoughts.”

    • We are expected to fully participate in the prayers and singing at Mass. We are not attending a performance or a movie and simply observing.

    • At Communion time we must remember to be sure there are no personal mortal sins and that the Eucharistic fast (one hour) has been observed. To receive Holy Communion in mortal sin is another mortal sin of sacrilege (disrespect of Jesus). It is bad form to consciously look to notice who receives Communion and who does not.

    • At Communion time, we simply follow the pattern established in the church where we are attending Mass. When it is convenient, it is good manners for the man to step back and allow the woman to precede him to the Communion line.

    • Once the recessional song is finished it is a sign of proper church etiquette to once again kneel and pray for a few minutes in thanksgiving for receiving our Lord.

    A few non-church related suggestions include the following and struck me as excellent codes of behavior that I am going to strive towards this Advent season. I’ve already shared them with my children. Perhaps you would like to share them with yours.

    • Do not ridicule anyone or be witty at another’s expense.

    • Avoid criticism and faultfinding. This is a defect, which grows, and it can develop to such an extent as to make one unbearable in conversation

    • Abstain from all low and vulgar words of expression

    • To mimic peculiarities of others is disrespectful and offensive.

    • Always speak of God, of the saints, of holy things, with the greatest reverence.

    May you and your family have a blessed and holy Advent.

    Posted on November 30, 2011, to:

  • Beyond ‘I do’

    The night before David’s and my wedding, there was a big storm. Winds ripped through the area and blew out the electricity. As my mom was scurrying around, trying to get my younger siblings dressed in the dark, considering whether the food in the refrigerator would spoil and worrying about whether the church lights would also be out for the rehearsal, I just wanted my blow dryer and hoped the curling iron, which had been sitting on the bathroom counter, would still be hot enough to curl my hair. I know. Shallow.

    After the rehearsal (lights were on in the church — thank you God), which went rather well, we headed off for dinner. Oh, but the place cards for the dinner after the wedding the next day were not finished yet, so after the rehearsal dinner David, mother and I sat down to finish figuring out where everyone would sit the next day. Personally I did not care, and David did not either, but we still threw ourselves into the task, which seemed important to my mom. God bless my dear fiancé who, finally around midnight, told me to go home and that he would stay with my mother and get the place cards done. I guess he knew me well enough to realize I’d be grumpy without sleep and who wants a grumpy bride? Either that or the poor guy looked at me and thought to himself, “This girl needs some beauty rest.” At the time I didn’t think of it, but there was also the distinct possibility he was just being thoughtful.

    The next day, an Indian summer produced, in the end of September, humidity and record heat, with the thermometer approaching 90 degrees. I wouldn’t have minded but that my dress was a heavy, satin gown with long sleeves. My dad forgot to put his arm out for me as we walked down the aisle at the entrance hymn, and consequently, videos of the event make me look like I’m clutching him in fear. I suppose it didn’t help either that I was crying my eyes out. I shouldn’t have chosen the dramatic music for the entrance. Poor David. He probably wondered if I was having second thoughts.

    I wasn’t having second thoughts, but I was engrossed in thinking about the serious nature of the event. Although somewhat immature and naïve, I did fully understand the commitment David and I were about to undertake, and felt overwhelmed by the beauty and solemnity of the sacrament we were going to receive. Our first date six years prior and many dates since then as well as memories of fun and friendship melted away. I remember thinking, as I walked down the aisle, “I hope he realizes I’m giving him my life.” In retrospect, I know he did.

    This year, David and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. I look back and think what a forerunner that the day before the wedding and the wedding day itself were of our entire marriage. Our married life has been full of many surprises — storms when least expected, sudden and immediate demands, inconveniences, compromises to people who are important to us, things forgotten, weird emotional responses and sudden realizations. Our marriage has also, like many marriages, been filled with great joy, sometimes, unexpected, take-your-breath-away pure delight. My husband is still my best friend. In this imperfect world, with our imperfect selves, we still stick together.

    The secret of a long, happy marriage, as most long-married couples know, is to simply keep moving forward with grace and in God’s care. The happy and sad, challenging and fun events of life serve as glue to the marriage, as do the gift of children, fortify a couple over many years. The secret is that there is no secret. There is simply commitment and a lot of hard work, rolling with the punches, accepting the joy with gratitude, and most importantly, relying on God through everything.

    In looking back, I see many weaknesses in my 23-year-old self who married her husband in the fall of 1986. Thank God that He did not require perfection before marriage or I’d be a librarian spinster — well rested and with perfectly curled hair — right now. God takes us where we are. He bestows many graces and forms us in His image, gradually and suddenly, even more than we can imagine when we first say, “I do.” If couples can offer a willing heart and a humble disposition, if they frequent the sacraments and call upon God’s help, they can, despite their own imperfections, despite many twists and turns, challenges and unexpected events, easily find themselves joyfully celebrating marriage for 25 years … and beyond. What a gift. What a God. Happy anniversary, David!

    Posted on November 2, 2011, to:

  • Entertainment fit for TV

    I have some suggestions for any TV producers who may be open to ideas. With American Catholics numbering around 68 million, maybe there’d be a market for something that these parents can relate to — what do you think?

    First up, in the genre of “American Pickers,” a  TV series that has hosts scouring garages, basements and barns for hidden treasure, I’m proposing something similar. I would call it “Slim Pickin’s.” In my made-up TV show, the hosts would simply go into the closets of mothers who have a lot of children. The challenge, of course, would be to find something to wear. As hosts hunt for clothes suitable to put on, the contestant mom might realize her (only) pretty new blouse is in her teenaged daughter’s closet. The host would refuse to enter there because his contract doesn’t allow for situations of high risk — and everyone knows that teenage girls’ closets are war zones. Moms across the United States would nod in familiarity while watching the show, feeling relieved that their experiences are normal.

    Singles would be intrigued to find out that some people don’t own business casual clothes, or even a belt. Of course, “Slim Pickin’s” is a reality show.

    Back-to-back with this might be another show for Mom — “Pick it Up.” In this show, hosts enter various children’s bedrooms and attempt to find, in the mess, an assortment of items — lunch money, the other shoe, a crumpled permission slip due yesterday, library books, a hairbrush or an escaped guinea pig. Then the children would pick things up, find the lost items and neaten the room, while mothers sat in comfy chairs with cups of hot tea and relax.  No, of course, this one is not a reality show. {{sigh}}

    Others:

    • “The Honeymooners” — This show would follow the carefree, happy life of a young Catholic couple beginning on their wedding day. It would run approximately nine months, depending on the estimated due date.

    • “60 Minutes” — In this show, parents are timed. They have exactly one hour to awaken three kids, ages 5 and under, feed them, brush their teeth and dress them for Mass. Twists in the plot include random breakfast spills on church clothes and toddlers forgetting to use the potty before getting in the car. This show is an action adventure.

    • “Moonlighting” — This would be a new twist to an old ‘80s favorite. Dad takes a second job to afford the sixth baby.

    • “The Price is Right” — Dad gets a limited income and tries to negotiate essentials for his family — food, clothes and a basic education. A sequel — he gets a raise and tries to afford the new payments to the government because he is now in a higher tax bracket.

    • “All in the Family” — One kid gets sick and well, you know …

    • “Gunsmoke” —  It’s the wife’s sister’s wedding on the same day as an NFL playoff. Who will win?

    • “What’s My Line?” — Parents stumble over answering questions like “Is there a Santa?” and “Where did I come from?”

    You’ve heard of “Late Night With David Letterman”? Well how about  “Late night with (fill in your husband’s name)”?: This show, with a hidden camera, would chronicle the time dad spends past 12 a.m. with his newborn so his wife can get some rest. Sleep-deprived moms would enter their husband’s names to win a spot on the show. This is a documentary, with a purpose.

    • “Battlestar Galactica” — What happens when a teen from a traditional Catholic family tries to sneak in the van for Mass wearing flip flops and shorts.

    • And last but not least, “The Odd Couple” — Amidst the backdrop of a secular suburban neighborhood, a happily practicing Catholic husband and wife attend Mass regularly, treat each other with love and respect, hold rosary groups in their home and have fun together. They reject birth control and enjoy the children they are blessed with. Neighbors can’t figure out how or why these happy two … this “Odd Couple” … do it, until the end when they all convert and find their happiness, too.

    I’m being silly, of course, but life can often be one entertaining situation after another. Being a good Catholic is serious stuff but approaching it with lightheartedness is a way to cope well and even find joy. Some people choose to ditch their TV for political purposes or bad programming. We can propose programming alternatives and change that of course. But we can also just turn off the TV. I say, with lives as entertaining as ours, who needs it?

    Posted on September 29, 2011, to: